“They’ve read my message… why haven’t they replied?”
If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone, wondering whether you’ve upset someone because they haven’t responded to your WhatsApp message, you’re certainly not alone.
Our minds are designed to fill in the blanks.
So we interpret a delayed response as rejection.
Or a one-word answer feels cold and we fear they’re annoyed
A missing ‘x’ suddenly means someone is unhappy.
The reality is there are a multitude of different explanations: They’re driving, in a meeting, in the bath…..
Yet anxiety doesn’t wait for the facts. It creates a story.
And that story can lead to more reluctance to seek human interaction, increasing anxiety and so it goes around.
Today’s technology provides a level of connection that was only dreamed off 20 years ago. It has removed geographical boundaries to contact, allowed us to share photos instantly and made keeping in touch easy.
But the spoken word has quietly been replaced with digital ones.
Reflect on the last few days…
How many conversations have you had face-to-face – even with people who were in the vicinity?
How many have happened through a screen?
For many people, especially busy people balancing careers, children, ageing parents and endless life admin, it’s far easier to send a quick message than to make a phone call or meet for coffee.
It saves time.
But it often costs us something much more valuable.
Turn the clocks back to when digital was not a thing.
A man called Dr Mehrabian created a model that is still referred to today. He said that we interpret communications through 3 elements:
7% of meaning is inferred from the words themselves
38% of meaning is inferred from tone: sarcasm, anger, joviality etc
55% comes from non-verbal: the status of a person, their stance, their facial expressions.
When digital communication came along, we took away smiles, eye contact, laughter, open body language, hesitation.. All of the signals that help our brain understand someone’s true meaning.
And leaving us with just 7% of the potential to correctly interpret that meaning.
Our brain then has to guess everything else. And unfortunately, we are wired to look for risk.
And when we look for risk, we tend to find it.
And where there is risk, anxiety is lurking adding to the mind trotting down the path to assume the worst.
And that’s why emojis have become such a huge part of everyday communication.
They help to bridge some of the 93% gap by indicating the emotion that tonality and NVC relay.
A laughing face indicates we’re joking.
A heart softens a message.
A wink lets someone know we’re teasing.
They’re helpful.
But they can never replace hearing someone laugh or seeing the smile reach their eyes.
One thing that concerns me is how much of our children’s communication now happens through devices.
Communication is a skill.
Children develop emotional intelligence by observing facial expressions, listening to tone, reading body language and experiencing awkward pauses, excitement, disappointment and joy in real life.
And how to use these things themselves!
The more opportunities they have to interact with people face-to-face, the better equipped they become to understand emotions—their own and those of other people.
As parents, we can’t control the digital world they live in.
But we can help balance it by encouraging conversations around the dinner table, family walks, meeting friends in person and putting phones down every now and then.
And we can start to build the skills that leads to confidence in building those human connections.
One of the simplest ways to calm an anxious mind isn’t another breathing exercise.
It’s another person.
When we spend time with people we trust:
Even a ten-minute conversation can completely change how you feel.
How many times have you gone out for a coffee with a friend feeling overwhelmed and come home wondering why everything suddenly feels more manageable?
Nothing external changed.
But your nervous system did.
Real connection helps us feel safe, and a safe brain is a calmer brain.
A Small Challenge This Week
Over the next few days, notice how often you automatically reach for your phone.
Challenge yourself to swap a digital interaction for a real one.
Instead of sending a text…dial the number and speak to them
Instead of emailing someone in the next office…Walk over and chat.
Instead of assuming what someone meant…Ask them.
And…..Notice how different you feel afterwards. Has it added a little bit of confidence to do it again?
Most people will run away from risk – the flight element of the fight or flight response.
If you are facing a sabre toothed tiger, its a good choice!
However when it comes to communications, the risk is not real – it’s perceived. The best response is to search for the facts.
We see the reality in a smile
We feel the warmth in a hug
We strengthen connection with a shared laugh.
These simple moments remind our brain that there is no risk – we’re safe, supported and not alone.
So the next time anxiety encourages you to hide behind your phone, consider doing something different.
Look up.
Start a conversation.
Because sometimes the most powerful therapy isn’t found on a screen.
It’s found sitting opposite another human being.
Share in the fun - and receive a gift
And just for fun (and because this week saw #Worldemojiday)… which emoji do you use the most and why?
Pop the emoji and a few words as to why it’s your ‘go to emoji’ in the comments box below and for everyone that comments, I will send a gift of 5 more simple tips on how to reduce anxiety.
And if you can relate to social anxiety and wanting more human interaction, hypnotherapy is a powerful way to uncover what is at the root of your fears.
Find out more about hypnotherapy here and read about other people who have uncovered the roots to their fears and built confidence and mental resilience.
Caroline Cavanagh, the Anxiety Alchemist, is an anxiety specialist and hypnotherapist in Salisbury, Wiltshire. She is an author and mental health speaker and loves showing people how you can change anxiety from something you struggle with, into a catalyst for growth. Let’s chat.
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